ramblings of a lonely heart

Oct 29 2008 10:58 PM

sometimes i peer from behind my gilded mask if only for an instant to realize that maybe this cover up and charade i let myself live through is not totally worth it. this protection i flee to, this shell i have created, is it really helping me or is it enabling me to stay lost. lost from a world full of freedom to love and choose who i love, yet i am always scared right back into my mask fearing that someone might truly see me and not like what they see, the fear is debilitating and makes me anxious and makes my skin crawl and i feel feverish in my own denial. it is an irrational and unfounded battle i have with myself, protecting myself from pain while causing it because i wont let anyone inside. but then in the midst of my own confusion i realise that there are people who know me and there are people who see beyond my vanity and my weaknesses, see much further into me than i see myself, see beyond my reflection to the depths of my being and somehow they can pull away all the things that i worry about and separate all the dark parts of me and find something worth investing their time in, something i myself cant even see, something that i have been hiding and runnning from for as long as i can remember, something so simple that it gets thrust into the depths and forgotten because it was too easy to see. and all that remains when i see myself as they see me is the fact that i am capable of being loved, and in that i am capable of loving someone with a reckless abandon that would put the greatest love stories off all time to shame in their own mediocraty.

*blood red love*

in madness
i search out the night
seeking light
finding that the dark
feeds my pain
feeds my art
breaks my heart
lost from the start
as you slip away
i want to rip you
apart
red red love
bloody bloody black love
these wounds
will not heal
this life is utterly surreal
as i drag myself across the floor
leaving
a trail of blood
to the door
and i just want more
revenge served hot
ready or not
you cannot save me from my love
for you
or save me from my own pain
but in the end
blood turns black
as i stumble forward
all these things i lack
fade away

another error, another error
another shit here that turns into manure
to fertile my writing and fleeting my behavior
because here I don't delivery myself anymore
never again
you got to decipher me looking at my face
that's the risk
to get hurt
to put your eyes in my face for...
blood?
mud?
how can I have caused you some concern?
am I guilt if you suffer in advance?
this is the best of all the pain
but you don't know what is the true love
you don't want to learn to live with it
because you are a hollow and poor soul
I don't know why I was interested in you
and neither you do
because you were this crazy little thing
as a viral desease
then we need no good reason already
to put an end on this
so let's do it
I'll go play outside
tired?
how?
go away now

Blood sudation

The spider runs on your hand
You feel the fear, forget the pain
Hey how long will you stand
A thrill is never insane
And you feel the ice inside your veins
Will you die, will you stay alive
The spider runs on your hand
The poison of hate in your eyes
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise
The spider runs on your heart
For a great life, there's no art
Hey how much are you ready to pay
To stay on this earth one more day
And you feel it's cold inside your brain
Will you die, will you stay alive
The spider runs on you my main
The poison of hate in your eyes
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise
Blood sudation
Blood sensation
Swallow the drops of blood
Swallow the drops of manhood
Blood sudation
As a violent strangulation
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise

my hair of hooks fished a siren

They were all on the same track,
towards the beach that no one knew.

In that little piece of paradise untouched by man,
the festival surprise: a rave in the forest.

Cheap wine and beer and hashish and amphetamine.
In the absence of a real dealer, was what we had.

She wanted to get in my hair.
"So soft." She said
and keep on going, steady ...
hugs, kisses, together
lust, lips, whatever ...

Back at the urban,
showcase of cinema-reality,
a typical gnocchi on 29th,
and things that only married couples do.
But we were not one, really.
We were on the run from two other two.
Then we both could not be one, just because.

And we deceive us well;
a freedom I do not know what for.

Until the day that a friend of hers appears in a ethyl state
And if there is one of compromise inocentemente left hand...

It was not a mere inconsequential act.
It was a cruel and unconscious scrap.

And in return that I was the fool;
I hit her and it aches in me too.

And suddenly, when everything seemed lost ...
An ending?
No!

A Dating,
finally!

the truth is in the soil now...

black velvet tears roll like rivers
crash like the ocean on the jagged shore
drip like broken drops of rain
broken drops of pain
released from the depths of my heart
like blood from an open wound
gushing and congealing a crimson release
these thoughts fade the flowing will not cease
like the freedom of a caged bird
my heart knows not the open air
my deepest emotions locked safely away
from piercing judgement hidden they will stay
no race has been run
no war has been fought
the ultimate defense is the ultimate charade
with nobody to see truth in my empty parade
a beautiful breakdown awaits
yet i cling to my hidden dreams
should i surrender to my desires like the moon to the night sky
instead i give in and continue this lie
like a stranger to my own reflection
what i see does not match how i feel
inside i feel withered and dry
a yellowed leaf falling to die
then crumbled beneath your feet
i become a part of the earth
my confusion encompasses the soil now
all alone i wait wondering how
with the releases of despair encircled in tears
i take a breath
and
move
forward

[long forgotten]

in times of shifting climates and fading seasons i find myself completely and utterly insane with envy for the flowers and the trees, it is their time, time to thrive, to reach out for the sun and dance on the cool breeze and feel infinite and perfume the air with their innocence, and be enveloped in their own narcissistic beauty, and be lost in the moment, these moments of granduer, and with knowledge that in time they will wither and fade and be forgotten like ashes in the wind, like dust of bones, and forever be erased by the seasons to come and by the new flowers to fill their spaces, but in all honesty it truly does not matter and i am just as beautiful and timeless as each flower that will dissapear from sight and more importantly from mind like the ghosts of lost lovers to torturous to remember, i am these flowers in their prime waving my hands in the wind, dancing in the pure fresh air of radiance, knowing that one day i will be long gone, long forgotten by the likes of you.

Love runs faster than blood

In the morning, all that remained was her smell crawling in the pillow. And there was a letter written on blood smashed on the table:



"I once said that 'immerse yourself in the soul is only doing what you believe in, without compromise with the result. " So here it goes a special message about art for you:



I only design art through the love and love was just all what we got yesterday

and I only believe in love with cry

and I only believe in existence with pain

and I only believe in love with the teeth

and I only believe in heart beating hard in the chest

and I only believe in blood that flows in and boil without embarrassment

and I only believe in hunger that the red urges

and I only believe in a head that overflows without brake in fall

and I only believe in a body that has fever and night burning home

I only believe in this cleft infinite

I only believe it.



Hey, I think I only believe in you! "

Shake well before each use

I sometimes wait long during the night
Just wondering when you are back
So pussy plays with ducky
But it's a boring story

So my sweet honey
So you won't forget
So you know the rules
So don't play the fool

When you see written on my body

Shake well before each use
If you don't, you'll have no excuse
Shake well before each use
Then you can all night long abuse

Shake well before each use
Don't mind if you leave a bruise
Shake well before each use
From the back to the top, blow up my fuse

I dream about your hard candy
Melting in my mouth like a sweet cherry
Come on baby give me more
Your creamy cum that I adore

So my sweet honey
So you won't forget
So you know the rules
So don't play the fool

When you see written on my body,

Shake well before each use
If you don't, you'll have no excuse
Shake well before each use
Then you can all night long abuse

Shake well before each use
Don't mind if you leave a bruise
Shake well before each use
From the back to the top, blow up my fuse

And if you let George visit the darkness in me
Be nice, be good, not too naughty
Step by step, just innocently
Until I feel you deep inside of me

silence that kill kills

THE SILENCE IS MURDEROUS
ravenous
blood red
drip drip
as i slip slip
into an underground world
made of dreamscapes
and bloodstains
and loose ends
the silence kill kills
AS MY DREAMS BEND
and are drawn
magnetically
to you
blue seas made of
cool breeze
and fire that
takes over trees
as my lips move
then your hips shake
as the colors blend
i cannot pretend
the silence kill kills
the silence drown drowns
the shouting
of a broken world
and this SILENCE
composed of two kinds
forming one bond
two separate dreams alined
and the silence kill kills
as lips find new homes
in new places
as soul meets body
A MURDER
A CRIME
i still find the time
to sit in silence
as i dream
of
you

FIRE & WATER

"The perseverance is favorable", said old jap; fire on water was the image. What a wise old man he is and I do believe what he means.

Oh, how I wanted to drink a wine that have your taste served in a cup that it never goes empty.

Excuse my lips; they seek pleasure in the most unusual places.

If I were your best friend I would spend more time with you.

We tease each other from time to time: we never stay together, but we use to communicate while we're always moving.

I feel in both of us the vital antithesis between water and fire.

You are a being that goes to the meeting of the world's organic matter and which get shaped by the situations that surrounds you.

While I go fleeing the real world to get lost in memories and affections - and I burn myself into them.

The reality is your life - for me, it is raw material.

I am soul, you're body.

You are water, and I am fire.

There are by my side a range of colors that goes from gold uterine to the red blood.

Moreover, by your side, there are all shades of blue - from bright celestial to the dark sea - and between the sky and the sea there is this beautiful lamp cord filtered in water inside blue tiles.

We will never merge, but we can build plastically on this opposed two colours that relate to each other; an union of opposites worlds that only intertwine on top of bed, fading differences, forming a beautiful color mosaic in pure love and in eroticism that in an unique moment makes of nature and culture one thing only.

Together, our colors knows how to boil. But the silence ... this silence colorblind us; it deletes my fire, it cools your water and than it kills the magic.

El silencio es un asesino.

You've got to kill the killer silence.

Speak... spreak... sprechen...parlez... parla... habla... fala…

Use any tongue, anywhere, in order to our tongues can give a hug.