ramblings of a lonely heart

Oct 29 2008 10:58 PM

sometimes i peer from behind my gilded mask if only for an instant to realize that maybe this cover up and charade i let myself live through is not totally worth it. this protection i flee to, this shell i have created, is it really helping me or is it enabling me to stay lost. lost from a world full of freedom to love and choose who i love, yet i am always scared right back into my mask fearing that someone might truly see me and not like what they see, the fear is debilitating and makes me anxious and makes my skin crawl and i feel feverish in my own denial. it is an irrational and unfounded battle i have with myself, protecting myself from pain while causing it because i wont let anyone inside. but then in the midst of my own confusion i realise that there are people who know me and there are people who see beyond my vanity and my weaknesses, see much further into me than i see myself, see beyond my reflection to the depths of my being and somehow they can pull away all the things that i worry about and separate all the dark parts of me and find something worth investing their time in, something i myself cant even see, something that i have been hiding and runnning from for as long as i can remember, something so simple that it gets thrust into the depths and forgotten because it was too easy to see. and all that remains when i see myself as they see me is the fact that i am capable of being loved, and in that i am capable of loving someone with a reckless abandon that would put the greatest love stories off all time to shame in their own mediocraty.

*blood red love*

in madness
i search out the night
seeking light
finding that the dark
feeds my pain
feeds my art
breaks my heart
lost from the start
as you slip away
i want to rip you
apart
red red love
bloody bloody black love
these wounds
will not heal
this life is utterly surreal
as i drag myself across the floor
leaving
a trail of blood
to the door
and i just want more
revenge served hot
ready or not
you cannot save me from my love
for you
or save me from my own pain
but in the end
blood turns black
as i stumble forward
all these things i lack
fade away

another error, another error
another shit here that turns into manure
to fertile my writing and fleeting my behavior
because here I don't delivery myself anymore
never again
you got to decipher me looking at my face
that's the risk
to get hurt
to put your eyes in my face for...
blood?
mud?
how can I have caused you some concern?
am I guilt if you suffer in advance?
this is the best of all the pain
but you don't know what is the true love
you don't want to learn to live with it
because you are a hollow and poor soul
I don't know why I was interested in you
and neither you do
because you were this crazy little thing
as a viral desease
then we need no good reason already
to put an end on this
so let's do it
I'll go play outside
tired?
how?
go away now

Blood sudation

The spider runs on your hand
You feel the fear, forget the pain
Hey how long will you stand
A thrill is never insane
And you feel the ice inside your veins
Will you die, will you stay alive
The spider runs on your hand
The poison of hate in your eyes
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise
The spider runs on your heart
For a great life, there's no art
Hey how much are you ready to pay
To stay on this earth one more day
And you feel it's cold inside your brain
Will you die, will you stay alive
The spider runs on you my main
The poison of hate in your eyes
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise
Blood sudation
Blood sensation
Swallow the drops of blood
Swallow the drops of manhood
Blood sudation
As a violent strangulation
Blood sudation
Blood sudation
I see all your frustration
You loose your mind and your reason
Blood Blood sudation
The drops fall, they will be no compromise
Stop your disguise

my hair of hooks fished a siren

They were all on the same track,
towards the beach that no one knew.

In that little piece of paradise untouched by man,
the festival surprise: a rave in the forest.

Cheap wine and beer and hashish and amphetamine.
In the absence of a real dealer, was what we had.

She wanted to get in my hair.
"So soft." She said
and keep on going, steady ...
hugs, kisses, together
lust, lips, whatever ...

Back at the urban,
showcase of cinema-reality,
a typical gnocchi on 29th,
and things that only married couples do.
But we were not one, really.
We were on the run from two other two.
Then we both could not be one, just because.

And we deceive us well;
a freedom I do not know what for.

Until the day that a friend of hers appears in a ethyl state
And if there is one of compromise inocentemente left hand...

It was not a mere inconsequential act.
It was a cruel and unconscious scrap.

And in return that I was the fool;
I hit her and it aches in me too.

And suddenly, when everything seemed lost ...
An ending?
No!

A Dating,
finally!

the truth is in the soil now...

black velvet tears roll like rivers
crash like the ocean on the jagged shore
drip like broken drops of rain
broken drops of pain
released from the depths of my heart
like blood from an open wound
gushing and congealing a crimson release
these thoughts fade the flowing will not cease
like the freedom of a caged bird
my heart knows not the open air
my deepest emotions locked safely away
from piercing judgement hidden they will stay
no race has been run
no war has been fought
the ultimate defense is the ultimate charade
with nobody to see truth in my empty parade
a beautiful breakdown awaits
yet i cling to my hidden dreams
should i surrender to my desires like the moon to the night sky
instead i give in and continue this lie
like a stranger to my own reflection
what i see does not match how i feel
inside i feel withered and dry
a yellowed leaf falling to die
then crumbled beneath your feet
i become a part of the earth
my confusion encompasses the soil now
all alone i wait wondering how
with the releases of despair encircled in tears
i take a breath
and
move
forward

[long forgotten]

in times of shifting climates and fading seasons i find myself completely and utterly insane with envy for the flowers and the trees, it is their time, time to thrive, to reach out for the sun and dance on the cool breeze and feel infinite and perfume the air with their innocence, and be enveloped in their own narcissistic beauty, and be lost in the moment, these moments of granduer, and with knowledge that in time they will wither and fade and be forgotten like ashes in the wind, like dust of bones, and forever be erased by the seasons to come and by the new flowers to fill their spaces, but in all honesty it truly does not matter and i am just as beautiful and timeless as each flower that will dissapear from sight and more importantly from mind like the ghosts of lost lovers to torturous to remember, i am these flowers in their prime waving my hands in the wind, dancing in the pure fresh air of radiance, knowing that one day i will be long gone, long forgotten by the likes of you.

Love runs faster than blood

In the morning, all that remained was her smell crawling in the pillow. And there was a letter written on blood smashed on the table:



"I once said that 'immerse yourself in the soul is only doing what you believe in, without compromise with the result. " So here it goes a special message about art for you:



I only design art through the love and love was just all what we got yesterday

and I only believe in love with cry

and I only believe in existence with pain

and I only believe in love with the teeth

and I only believe in heart beating hard in the chest

and I only believe in blood that flows in and boil without embarrassment

and I only believe in hunger that the red urges

and I only believe in a head that overflows without brake in fall

and I only believe in a body that has fever and night burning home

I only believe in this cleft infinite

I only believe it.



Hey, I think I only believe in you! "

Shake well before each use

I sometimes wait long during the night
Just wondering when you are back
So pussy plays with ducky
But it's a boring story

So my sweet honey
So you won't forget
So you know the rules
So don't play the fool

When you see written on my body

Shake well before each use
If you don't, you'll have no excuse
Shake well before each use
Then you can all night long abuse

Shake well before each use
Don't mind if you leave a bruise
Shake well before each use
From the back to the top, blow up my fuse

I dream about your hard candy
Melting in my mouth like a sweet cherry
Come on baby give me more
Your creamy cum that I adore

So my sweet honey
So you won't forget
So you know the rules
So don't play the fool

When you see written on my body,

Shake well before each use
If you don't, you'll have no excuse
Shake well before each use
Then you can all night long abuse

Shake well before each use
Don't mind if you leave a bruise
Shake well before each use
From the back to the top, blow up my fuse

And if you let George visit the darkness in me
Be nice, be good, not too naughty
Step by step, just innocently
Until I feel you deep inside of me

silence that kill kills

THE SILENCE IS MURDEROUS
ravenous
blood red
drip drip
as i slip slip
into an underground world
made of dreamscapes
and bloodstains
and loose ends
the silence kill kills
AS MY DREAMS BEND
and are drawn
magnetically
to you
blue seas made of
cool breeze
and fire that
takes over trees
as my lips move
then your hips shake
as the colors blend
i cannot pretend
the silence kill kills
the silence drown drowns
the shouting
of a broken world
and this SILENCE
composed of two kinds
forming one bond
two separate dreams alined
and the silence kill kills
as lips find new homes
in new places
as soul meets body
A MURDER
A CRIME
i still find the time
to sit in silence
as i dream
of
you

FIRE & WATER

"The perseverance is favorable", said old jap; fire on water was the image. What a wise old man he is and I do believe what he means.

Oh, how I wanted to drink a wine that have your taste served in a cup that it never goes empty.

Excuse my lips; they seek pleasure in the most unusual places.

If I were your best friend I would spend more time with you.

We tease each other from time to time: we never stay together, but we use to communicate while we're always moving.

I feel in both of us the vital antithesis between water and fire.

You are a being that goes to the meeting of the world's organic matter and which get shaped by the situations that surrounds you.

While I go fleeing the real world to get lost in memories and affections - and I burn myself into them.

The reality is your life - for me, it is raw material.

I am soul, you're body.

You are water, and I am fire.

There are by my side a range of colors that goes from gold uterine to the red blood.

Moreover, by your side, there are all shades of blue - from bright celestial to the dark sea - and between the sky and the sea there is this beautiful lamp cord filtered in water inside blue tiles.

We will never merge, but we can build plastically on this opposed two colours that relate to each other; an union of opposites worlds that only intertwine on top of bed, fading differences, forming a beautiful color mosaic in pure love and in eroticism that in an unique moment makes of nature and culture one thing only.

Together, our colors knows how to boil. But the silence ... this silence colorblind us; it deletes my fire, it cools your water and than it kills the magic.

El silencio es un asesino.

You've got to kill the killer silence.

Speak... spreak... sprechen...parlez... parla... habla... fala…

Use any tongue, anywhere, in order to our tongues can give a hug.

[passion is our fashion]

searching the night
scratching the surface
questions unanswered
visions of light
through darkened walls
i see your face
need your embrace
with little
or no knowledge
i am falling for you
crashing through the floor
begging you
open the door
its like i have known you for lifetimes
yet i dont know you at all
i wish at night
that somehow
fate will twist its arms around me
and send me to you
we could melt together
mold together
blending our visceral colors
making masterpieces
bleeding art that is seductive
and alluring to all
who surround us
and they will
be composed of
jealous bones
envious of our new found love
and we are
like two fronts colliding
and
creating a storm
a hurricane
a tornado of passion
so immediate
and you and i
are the
eye of the storm

German Guys

I don't know why...
But a love German Guys...
They know how to make me cry...
And smile...

I don't know why...
But they make me to feel calm...
And the life become high...
And I smile...

I don't know why...
But I'm afraid of German guys...
They made me cry...
With their ways to see the life...

I know why...
Some day I have to say goodbye...
And I will cry...
But the memory, will help me to smile...

La Petite Fleur

I met the beautiful and mysterious Caroline Ueda Fontaine in an underground club , as typical of those who came along as the indie trend took over the central region of the city. An old house of internal walls painted black, where before were strippers, now there are indie bands.



At that time I wrote for an online website of alternative rock and my companion that night was my colleague critical pop, no more than an urban legend in gonzo personality. Polemico and Junkie as hell, I called him, affectionately, "uncle Farinas". Others named him as "Old Teets." In another words, he was a creature of the underworld. But without wanting to add him to this tour, I follow down the story of what really matters: the beautiful.



Her parents divorced when she was still a baby. The French father is a professor of music and was living for years in Marseille. The mother nissei (japanese descendent), plastic artist, moved to Toronto, Canada two years before, when received irrefutably work proposal. Since then, the daughter of Ms. Ueda lived alone in São Paulo.



Every Thursday night was the law for Carol: leave the suite of the two stars hotel where lived in downtown to enjoy the best night of the week at some of the various nice clubs that plays electro-rock and possible to go on foot, while taking a good dose of cold Smirnoff in some bar along the way. But it was not only that. She also had to feed his favourite hobbie, the pleasureable and famous webphotolog called "La Vie en Rouge." From time to time added by spyce night images that she did of other girls or herself before the mirror. Almost always sensual and accompanied by micro-poems made by her own, the photos were never obvious; blurry effects of light colored lenses able to create effects such psicodelics as intriguing. Success of visitation without need to reveal and explore the beauty of her beautiful face.



The night waiting, with its cold cozy, its moon hidden by a cloudy sky with a place where the smoke of dry ice will be interfering between strobe lights, numbing generously her soul and his body, along with some generous doses of the sacred vodka.



She called me the attention as soon as I saw her for the very first time. So white, smooth and shiny. Fleshy mouth in right measure, elegant. Adorable legs assembled in black scarpim. On the left arm, a sleeve of unclear tattoos. Sinuses naturally large, without any disproportion. At the beginning of the night she was quiet, using gloves and black clothing worn in black and white. Marking her waist, an irresistible "corset by Madame Sher." Edgy and sophisticated at the same time. Small, I remember her small. Shy. Late night, in advance of the hour, she began to move a caipirinha with the fingers and sucking the drenched fabric of vodka. I was fascinated; was a rare flower in the midst of many weeds.



Our first dialogue began with "do you have marijuana", coming from her. I don't remember exactly how I get close. But I am sure that from the moment that our eyes are crossed we didn't take our views of one another. And she had all that vital energy that only the teenagers have. Screaming soul in orange, green and pink and lemon-shock colors. Despite of the black & white visual, she was fan of dance-rock, new-rave, you know. It was much fluorescence in a pack SW. Color the view, only in the mouth, red lipstick and nails in the scintillant reddish.



Only incredible two minutes: it was the time left for the intimacy begin between an Italian-Portuguese boy with a French-Japanese girl. Never happende in the history of this planet as an affinity instantly and spontaneously between two people that dries to the mouth of each other with the porpouse to prove a new flavor. And that lovely flavor, sweetened with fire and love. Hot and unconditional; something so sudden it should be illegal in some cultures.



Yes, it happened all too quickly; form kiss on the wall to my erection to wet passion. What to do in that flaming situation? Melt down or come into action? We get the second option. We got down to the ground, through a door "employees only" leading to the basement. With the release of security, my pall; Black Junior.



Black was that environment without a lamp. And in the midst of the complete pitch, we layed down there on the floor. At that subsoil we were high, extremely high, floating on clouds of soft cotton. I took off her clothes. Bited her spout sinus and filled my mouth with all that tired chest. Then I took her by the hips at the same time that the libido was raised to the air from his grace. And she pressure the body it against my. And she did a scrub-scrub of her buttocks on my hard penis.



Carol in full trance licked me and I kissed me from the ear to the shoulder. When I talked delights of pleasure and I left her completely submissive to my desire to do her, the mad desire to consummate the visceral union she shout: "With the sound of the dance floor no one can hear us," she said. I just thought: "wow! crazy!" With the level of vision practically zero, only the movements of her whole body dancing over me that increased both our fire that I took off her skirt in a single act and gave her a deep dive in the middle of her legs and left her a beautiful purple mark in delicious and delicate lips lower, hummm ... There was no room for thought, there were only desire and will to accomplish it. I wanted to savor the orgasm it. When I finally succeeded, it was time to repay her at the pleasure primal designed.



"What madness! How well my sperm is sweet?"



Only five minutes after a quick silence, we two were taking a rest reclining nudes and then, the heat was present again. I took a condom that was in my pocket in two seconds. She placed in knees. "I want to do it in dogstyle. Come!" Delicacy, then with rhythm and violence. I have a "route" by touch, by hearing; moan tasty she showed me how much she liked, as a discreet smile at the corner of the lips, well, as that looking back, in profile. After the burning, horny became orgasm divinely together; surrealy at the same time.



It occur again when we fought a crop without any depth, face-to-face. But our eyes were closed by the absence of light, while I imagined the scene that had we just experienced; a delight concrete and traveler, real and fascinating. Sex pure, wild and without equal. A night full of life. A volcanic life by another night with her.



But that night no magic ended as begun. There was a break. Single. Brutal. Grave. Loud. Discusting. Unforgettable. Unfortunately. It was when I wanted to be inside her body again, boiling with that steaming flame, wanting to feel it at least one more time, we had already reached the orgasm each for once, with once more at the same time, we would reach three. I lost my mind. I just went a little left to put another condom because I knew that we'd cum for the third time. I mean, if only for a second, the third time would take me out of the world. And then the member would lose the will, in the third time I woul remember what is happiness. Not only was that a journey of my insane mind, the third time I know what nirvana would be. Not that lasted for a little heavenly journey, the third time I would make a star journey, and back consumed of vital energy. But moments before the final ejaculation, almost at the time of orgasm masterly - which would again of both concurrently - happened suddenly and surprisingly the moment ultra-shockig: a roar of a bad animal, a fully bizarre noise. Fact: someone had just come into our nest of pure and wild love.



We freezed. "Put a flash light there," I said. It was the first and only photo she took at that time of such sexual intensity. "Oops, burned a picture!", She exclaimed to show me the screen of the digital camera that showed a strange orange flame in place of the face of such intruder. "But this is digital, not a film!"-- Whispered it to my ear, shaking up. "Display at once, now, without mule-head!", screamed I bravely to the darkness, demonstrating maleness front of the female in that lights out enviroment.


After brief silence, a voice that arises there was so hysterical coming from the person who invaded our wilderness and dark sacred enclosure of raw and voracious love . The major is go closer and to yelling direct to us on our skin naked, were triggered one thousand little spits: _ Oops! Excuse me, ok? Listen ... For God sake, wouldyou lend me thirty bucks? I will pay you next Tuesday - was the triumphal entry of Hunteco Farinatti, the "Teets", the great dandy of the rocker scene.



"Son of a beach!" I punched him hardly. Or rather, out there in a ballad because I went upstairs a ladder angry and naked behind the rat bastard running desperate with his bleeding nose.



Contained by Black Junior, nor had conditions to claim him for having left the unfortunate Beast that invaded my sublime moment of love. "Who does not have underware has no morals." He shut me the mouth. So I leave him with total reason and went back down there in the midst of laughter from all around there.



Carol had left.



In the days following I tried all hotels in the region. She was gone. Neither smell. Never more I saw her. And she never updated the Photolog. Messages from orphans fans poped-up at the box comments. They say that she moved to France.



I also never spoke to the old Teets, por supuesto.



From Caroline, I just left scented not visual, but tactile memories. I have thoughs in clear nights about that deliciously dark night. And without the right to plead a repetition in future.



Oh, I can not stop to fucking hate you because of this, uncle Farinas.



Où que tu sois, je t'aime, Carol Fontaine. Pour toujours, ma petite fleur inoubliable.

so simple

bored silent ticking timebomb
electric elected to always succumb
i meander aimless aiming for you
i wander with purpose
leaving you in my dust
i am new
in the morning
i am fresh in the evening
my heart is just beating
as my art keeps on bleeding
the seasons are shifting
the sun is careening
and this rhyme
so simple
is leaving me empty
hidden behind empty eyes
fill me with your empty lies
i stumble forward as the clouds
pass for new homes
leaving their baggage
on the cold dry soil
if water brings life forth
then i am ready to drown
ready to sink like a stone
as you leave me alone
in my solitude
i grow stronger
i cant take it much longer
and now
i hate you
more than anything...

When my writing arrives,
it is an unusual event,
an eruption, as a volcano:
It's everything fine and suddenly
It begins to put the fire out.
§
I can write ten poems a day,
because I know how.
But I will never do so.
I always have been like this;
I only wrote the necessary poem.

1st one

BIG BANG!