ramblings of a lonely heart

Oct 29 2008 10:58 PM

sometimes i peer from behind my gilded mask if only for an instant to realize that maybe this cover up and charade i let myself live through is not totally worth it. this protection i flee to, this shell i have created, is it really helping me or is it enabling me to stay lost. lost from a world full of freedom to love and choose who i love, yet i am always scared right back into my mask fearing that someone might truly see me and not like what they see, the fear is debilitating and makes me anxious and makes my skin crawl and i feel feverish in my own denial. it is an irrational and unfounded battle i have with myself, protecting myself from pain while causing it because i wont let anyone inside. but then in the midst of my own confusion i realise that there are people who know me and there are people who see beyond my vanity and my weaknesses, see much further into me than i see myself, see beyond my reflection to the depths of my being and somehow they can pull away all the things that i worry about and separate all the dark parts of me and find something worth investing their time in, something i myself cant even see, something that i have been hiding and runnning from for as long as i can remember, something so simple that it gets thrust into the depths and forgotten because it was too easy to see. and all that remains when i see myself as they see me is the fact that i am capable of being loved, and in that i am capable of loving someone with a reckless abandon that would put the greatest love stories off all time to shame in their own mediocraty.